Friday, May 9, 2014

7:26 PM
Yesterday I came home from a 3 day work trip to find the house a total disaster, my son with a near-shiner on his right eye (oh, it was just a small fall), and my daughter newly missing her left front tooth (extracted with fingers [her own] during Spanish class).

Obviously everyone totally held it together while mom was gone.

So I got the kids fed, bathed, took them to my daughter's school open house, read them (47) books, put my son to bed, and then went into my daughter's room to read the final chapters and get her into bed.

I found her dancing around her room, a small Ziploc bag clutched in her hand.

I am so excited for the tooth fairy to come! she said waving the small bag in front of her. In it I could see a small, bloody tooth, a few "jewels" and a folded piece of paper.  I gave her some gifts [the jewels] because I know she is going to give me just what I want.

Interesting, I thought, a small chill running down my spine. To fully appreciate the dread I was feeling at that moment, you really must read my post A Case of Parental Mismanagement wherein I detail the dark odyssey that is my relationship with the role of playing the tooth fairy. The long and short of it is, despite many readings of Throw Your Tooth On The Roof, my daughter has fully embraced the idea of a tooth fairy that brings her small, but perfect, gifts in exchange for her pearly whites. She is just not that interested in money and so the idea of a few shiny quarters under her pillow does not do the trick. On principle I am OK with that (which is I guess how I got myself in this pickle in the first place). What I am not OK with is the fact that the tooth fairy gets extremely short notice as to what the desired object(s) will be and when said object(s) will be needed.

Can I see what you wrote to the tooth fairy? I asked. [casually]

No, I want it to be a secret.

[WTF!!!!!!]

Oh, c'mon, I am really interested to see what a nice letter you wrote to the tooth fairy. [less casually]

No, I wrote it to Her and everything is all ready.

[This is going to be a disaster]

Please? I really am so excited to see what you are asking the tooth fairly for. [pleading now]

Oh, OK.
Marching Orders
Fast forward to 10 PM. A haggard-looking woman walks around Target like a zombie, an empty shopping basket in one hand. She spends 20 minutes in the toy aisles wandering up and down, staring in apparent disbelief. She wanders over to the book section. She wanders back to the toy aisle. She goes down the escalator, and then back up again. Her basket now contains a single, flowered headband.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT THERE WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING (NOT A DOLL, NOT A BOOK, NOT A THING) AT TARGET WITH THE FROZEN THEME!!!

Fast forward to 10:30 PM. The same woman stands in front of the coloring book rack for the third time. She scans the shelves and then suddenly leaps forward with the intensity and speed of a mountain lion. There on the top shelf, half tucked away behind another book is an inch-thick, Frozen-themed coloring book (with stickers!!!). Its not an Elsa doll that glows in the dark and a necklace that has a picture of Elsa, but it is in the same ballpark and she is going to call it good. Prey neatly stowed in basket she slinks over to the cash register and then makes her way home, ready to combat the next feat of tooth fairy prowess - the extraction of the tooth from under the pillow.

Fast Forward to 6:30 AM. Shrieks of delight emanate from a small child's room. The gap-toothed smile that started it all stays all day. A mother sighs in relief. She was gone most of the week, but she was back in time for something that mattered.

AND F%$*% YOU TARGET FOR MAKING ME SPEND $200 EVERY TIME I VISIT YOU - YET NOT BEING THERE FOR ME IN MY TIME OF NEED.

To learn more about my Fitness Project, please contact me at mommytasker@gmail.com, MommyTasker.com, or connect with me on Facebook.

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