Sunday, March 23, 2014

9:08 PM
The Author and His Sucker(s)
In a sequel to his highly-popular How to Sort-of, Sometimes Sleep Through the Night After 2.5 Years and Drive Your Parents Crazy in the Process and How to Make Everything a Battle, Especially the Things You MUST do Everyday, my son has now written a third book entitled How to Ace Your Preschool Playdate and Assessment. I have excerpted a few key tips below:

1. Dress for Success. Wear your favorite shirt. Then eat breakfast in your favorite shirt, leaving plenty of tidbits on the front of the shirt in case you need a snack later. Play very aggressively in the backyard for thirty minutes to ensure you get some dirt and grass stains on your clothes. Drool copiously all morning. Refuse to change out of your favorite shirt when it is time for your preschool playdate to ensure that everyone can see that your mother dresses you like a soggy hobo.

2. Demonstrate Excellent Decision Making Skills. Race around the backyard like crazy on a scooter, making sure you run over at least three other children - slowpokes! When that gets boring, drag the scooter up onto the porch and attempt to ride the scooter off the porch stairs. Notice the look of shock and surprise on the preschool teacher's face. Hah! Guess your mom should have told them that your middle name means "He who seeks danger" in Native American.

3. Show off your Excellent Gross Motor Skills and Coordination. Do a complete face plant into the sand box when attempting to climb into it. Play there a little while. Do another complete face plant when attempting to exit the sand box. Act cool.

4. Establish the Ground Rules Right Away. When the preschool teacher asks you to stop running like crazy around the "walking" portion of the yard, pretend you don't hear her. When she comes down to your level and asks you to look at her eyes while she explains to you about walking feet, look away. When she tries to hold your hand, pull away. Stand stock still and stare her down. When she finally looks back to your mom and dad, walk slowly, and deliberately away from her for five steps....and then run!

5. Make Them Pay. Smile and wave bye-bye to all your new "friends" as you leave with daddy. Leave mommy behind to write a check for $2000 non-refundable dollars to secure your well-deserved spot in the school, and to sign a contract that says that they can terminate care of you without any notice, for any reason they see fit. Winning!

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